


Catfish

by amourlouis (hxrrylxrrylxuis)



Series: Catfish Trilogy [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Catfish - Freeform, Catfishing, Cheating, Drunk Harry, F/M, Fighting, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, I hate tagging, Jealous Louis, Kinda, Lots of that, Louis refuses to take advantage of Harry but i thought i should tag that anyway, M/M, Mentions of non-con, Other, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, also kinda - Freeform, basically louis catfishes harry and harry is oblivious as hell, because why not, but nothing happens, harry is just really confused, toward the end, unnecessary drama, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hxrrylxrrylxuis/pseuds/amourlouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Louis pretends to be someone he's not, Harry is oblivious, Zayn is suspicious, Liam is there for everyone and Niall is Niall.</p>
<p>(or, the one where Louis pretends to be a girl online and catfishes the unsuspecting Harry, his unfortunately straight best friend. Louis sort of loves Harry, really, and he didn't mean for it to go this far.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface.

**Author's Note:**

> hii. this fic was originally posted on wattpad (https://www.wattpad.com/story/20251235-catfish-stylinson) but i've decided to post it on ao3 as well along with its sequel. the version on wattpad was written last year and is still quite shit, so i'll be posting a (slightly) edited and hopefully less cheesy rendition here. all rights reserved, etc. etc.

Louis is twenty two years old and single, but he's not lonely, honestly. He isn't. He doesn't mind the single life; it allows him a lot more free time than most and he's definitely the least stressed in the entire band. He likes being able to get drunk off his ass at That Club Down The Street and not have to worry about someone else, likes being able to roll around aimlessly on his bed during the night and wake up in a cocoon of blankets - in fact, he _especially_ likes being able to do whatever with whomever. 

He's obviously lying, of course, but no one has to know about that. And if he has a stupid crush on his best friend like a twelve year old, well.  
No one has to know that either.

Harry is twenty years old and single, but he's the complete opposite. Harry has always been one to rely heavily on others, and it's no surprise he thinks he needs someone's love and attention and, well, suddenly Louis isn't enough for him anymore. Best Friend of the Year award revoked, Louis thinks.

Did he mention Harry is as straight as a ruler?

He really doesn't know what went wrong, but he does know that Harry's absolutely lost his mind when he just happens to pay a generous glance to his laptop screen as he's strolling past (nonchalantly, of course. Purely coincidental. Louis is not a stalker, he'll have you know) and sees Harry browsing through an online dating website.

"What're you doin', Haz?" Louis asks, even though he knows. He knows, of course he knows. He just really hopes Harry will smile and tell him he's making the profile for Niall, or something. He really does. Even crosses his fingers a bit.

"Makin' an online dating profile," Harry says, biting down on his lip _in that stupidly adorable way that he does_ , Louis thinks, forcing a smile of his own as their eyes meet. "What do you think I should list as my hobbies? Being an international popstar isn't one of the possible options."

Louis barks out a dry laugh at that, hopes it sounds convincing, and settles down on the edge of the cushion next to Harry. He's sort of taking up the entire sofa, but Louis can make it work. Harry's like a giant sometimes. Louis isn't sure if he minds. "Well, you're not using your real name, are you?"

"Reckon no one would believe me if I did anyway. No, I'm not."

"What did you list yourself as, then?"

"Harvey Staff. Twenty years old, living in London, heterosexual, and unfortunately single," Harry says, wiggling his eyebrows like a dork. God, Louis hates that he loves him.

"Harvey Staff? Who the bloody hell names their child Harvey Staff?"

"Oh, c'mon Lou. Lighten up. It's not like I'm going to have much time for this website anyway... it's just to have some fun. You know what? Since you're not going to help me, I'm just going to choose golfing as my hobby. A nice, _modest golfer_ named Harvey; they'll eat it up. See, I already submitted the information. Now I'm all signed up and everything, did it all by myself, Lou," Harry exclaims, pointing at the new profile screen that pops up on his monitor. He stares at it for a few seconds. "Look, I've already got a message!"

"I see," Louis smiles, even though he really doesn't fucking see how this is better than being single. He decides not to ruin the happiness that's painted across Harry's face as he opens the message and replies to the stranger's simple greeting with an enthusiastic "Hi!!!!" surrounded by smiley faces. A part of Louis is convinced that Harry isn't real.

As it would turn out, Harry's usage of the website progressively increases over the next few days; on his mobile, on his laptop, even backstage as they prepare for shows. He's constantly IMing completely random girls through this goddamned dating website, and Louis isn't bitter about it, thank you very much. It only hurts because he seems to be enjoying himself way more than he ever has in the past three years of being alone. Which, admittedly, does make sense. Louis can't blame him for being happy, but it's hard to watch the person you possibly love try to set themselves up with someone else.

So, when Louis is scrolling through Twitter on his laptop one night and an ad for the very same website Harry uses pops up on the screen, well, it's too hard to resist. Before he knows it, he's made a profile of his own and is anxiously reviewing the information he's submitted.

_Anna Grace Montgomery, nineteen years old. Living in London, England. Single/heterosexual. Likes: green eyes, summer, undiscovered bands. Dislikes: lizards, tobacco, snow. Hobbies: sports, acting, singing. Status: Looking for an adventure. :)_

And God, does Louis feel low as he searches Harry - Harvey, whatever - up and sends him an IM. It's not supposed to become a thing, and he makes himself incredibly aware of this. Louis immediately closes the laptop and shakes his head, full of instant regret, but he realizes he should at least clean up the mess he's begun to make before it escalates. Honestly, what the hell is he doing?

What had originally been an attempt to exit the conversation with Harry/Harvey quickly turns into an elaborate discussion about some band that Louis's never heard of - which his own fault for making a profile that's clearly designed to lure Harry in like a moth to a light - and soon it's two in the morning and it's been five hours since he said hello. _How the hell hasn't Harry figured it out yet?_

Even though Louis swears up, down, left, _and_ right that he's never going to do that again, the next day he finds himself sending another conversation starter. And another. And another. And another.

The thing is, Harry hasn't got a clue that Anna is actually Louis, and Louis should probably feel pretty guilty for catfishing his best friend like this, but he doesn't.

Until Harry finds out.


	2. IM Anna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the chapters start with IM, as in the abbreviation for instant messaging but it also doubles up as 'I'm', so it would be like I'm Anna for this one. I dunno, thought it was clever. 
> 
> most of the chapters will have IM conversations and those will be italicized. 
> 
> Happy reading!

_Harvey: Good morning, Anna!_

_Anna: hi :) howd u sleep ?_

_Harvey: Soundly, thank you. What about you?_

_Anna: oh yknow_

_Harvey: Do I?_

_Anna: the usual_

_Harvey: Wait, knock knock._

_Anna: whos there ?_

_Harvey: Honk sh._

_Anna: what ?_

_Harvey: Honk sh!_

_Anna: alright alright... honk sh who ?_

_Harvey: You snore? :)_

_Anna: ur an idiot_

_Harvey: Heyyyy. I thought that was a good one!_

_Anna: yeah, mayb... if ur six._

_Harvey: Sass? :(_

_Anna: no_

_Anna: i mean_

_Anna: sorry i loved your knock knock joke, harvey !!_

_Harvey: I knew it!_

_Harvey: So, tell me more about yourself. We haven't really gotten into this yet._

_Anna: im like_

_Anna: an aspiring musical artist_

_Harvey: Really? Me too! What are the odds of that?_

_Harvey: wait, hold on. I have another message to respond to._

_Anna: okay_

_Anna: wait_

_Anna: from who ??_

_Anna: is it another girl ?_

_Anna: whats she sayin ??_

_Anna: does she know that ur talking 2 me ?_

_Harvey: Calm down, Speedy Thumbs. It's just this girl named Paige. She's into me, I reckon._

_Anna: are u ?_

_Harvey: ?_

_Anna: into her_

_Harvey: No. I mean, she's pretty. She seems nice. She, like. She's okay. Just not my type._

_Anna: u have a type ?_

_Harvey: I like_

_Harvey: Well_

_Harvey: I like people who make me laugh, I like people who are lighthearted. I don't like to feel like having a conversation is work, you know?_

_Anna: yeeah i know_

_Harvey: I'm not really seeing anyone at the moment. It kinda sucks. :(_

Louis slumps, sighing as he reads over Harry's latest message. He's made sure to pretend to be asleep in his bunk with a headache while Harry is somewhere - with Niall, most likely - to keep his identity hidden. He doesn't like sneaking around Harry, but four days have passed and Harry is still as oblivious as ever. He's rolling with it just because he isn't sure what to do at this point.

Anna: not any1 at all ?

He's desperate for Harry's attention now, it's kind of pathetic. And if he laughed at Harry's stupid joke, no one has to know about it.

_Harvey: Nah._

_Harvey: You're nice, though. You're my first lady friend in a while._

Louis nearly snorts at the word choice. God, Harry is such a dork.

_Anna: lady friend ? srsly ?_

_Harvey: Yeah. Do you not like lady friend? I can call you woman friend, or bff, or I can call you my girl friend. As in friend-girl, like a friend that's female. Not girlfriend._

_Anna: friend girl ? jesus ! why don't we just stick to Anna ?_

_Harvey: Okay, okay, deal. But you have to call me H._

_Anna: K..._

_Harvey: All my friends call me H, and if you're my friend now I want you to get the same treatment :)_

_Anna: ok, shit head._

_Anna: H*_

_Harvey: :*_

With that, Louis closes the app and lets his phone fall onto his stomach with a stupid grin on his face. He should probably learn to not take it personally, because Harry thinks he's talking to a pretty blonde girl - he'd stolen some photos from a profile on the internet that looks as if it hasn't been used in years, which is not at all creepy - from London. Not Louis. 

But it's... Louis.

It's Louis' personality, Louis' words; it's just not Louis' appearance. Or back story. Or life. But, it's still Louis... obviously. It's confuses the hell out of him, but at the same time it makes perfect sense. Well, kind of. The only thing he's certain of is that this is fucked up, this is _really_ fucked up.

He knows he should just delete his account now before it really _really_ gets fucked up.

He opens the app again, goes to settings, and his finger hovers just over the 'delete account' button. It hovers. It thinks, reconsiders, lowers, goes back to hovering, lowers, moves away, moves back; Louis is conflicted between his own selfishness and desire to be Harry's source of happiness on one end and his conscience on the other. His conscience is telling him that this is wrong, this is so wrong, but he decides against it and closes the app again, account still running.

Again, no one has to know.

From now on, as soon as he signs into that app, he's no longer Louis Tomlinson.  
He's Anna Grace Montgomery.


	3. IM Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii again. since this fic is completed and im just re-editing, i'll be posting a few chapters every day over the course of this week.

_Harvey: Hey!_

_Harvey: Anna??_

_Harvey: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnna_

_Harvey: A_

_Harvey: N_

_Harvey: N_

_Harvey: A_

_Harvey: :(_

Louis swears that he is the best actor in the world. His phone is going off in his pocket practically every three seconds as Harry endlessly spams 'Anna'. The only problem with this is the fact that Harry is sitting right behind Louis, and if Louis's lucky enough to have his sound off, because he would be dead meat by now otherwise. They're huddled in a little dressing room, hair and makeup getting adjusted before a show, and Harry always follows him around like a lost kitten so he's sitting in the chair behind Louis. His curls are everywhere, and he's hunched over his device like he's afraid someone's going to try to take it from him. Another problem is that Louis is getting his hair done by Lou, and if he whips out his mobile and answers, Harry might find it suspicious. Or maybe Lou will. He doesn't know, really, but he does know that he's doing a great job of coughing like he's smoked all his life every time it vibrates to cover up any sort of noises they may hear. He keeps getting weird looks from Lou, unfortunately. He thinks he can live with that.

He kind of wants to throw a shoe at Harry's head, but he knows Harry gets anxious before shows and he knows he's probably just looking for some sort of outside comfort. It breaks Louis's heart, in a strangely fond sort of way, but it also worries him. What if he resorts to talking to that _Paige_ girl?

Louis doesn't know why he's so insanely jealous of Paige. Harry had even said he isn't interested in her, he knows, but he reckons she's bad news. Every heterosexual female that so much as glances at Harry is bad news, in Louis's humble opinion, but he supposes he isn't much better. _There is no time for self reflection._

But Harry isn't interested in Louis - _Anna_ \- either.

"Yet," he mutters. Lou glances at him.

"Did you say something?"

"No," Louis lies, coughing once again. Lou sets down the comb she had been running through Louis's hair impatiently, giving him an expectant look in response. He sighs, running his hand through his - kind of sticky from hairspray, he supposes - fringe slowly and successfully proves all of her attempts at taming it to be useless. He fights the urge to smirk. "Just gotta piss, 's all."

He gets a wrinkled nose and a swat to the back, and then he's on his way. He tries not to roll his eyes at himself as he stands and waddles toward the door, legs partially crossed as he milks his 'have to piss' excuse for all it's worth. Harry doesn't do so much as glance upward at him. All in all, he escapes, but has only allotted himself a few minutes of time at the very most. Good, clever excuses have never been his forte.

As soon as Louis is out of the room, he leans back against the wall and grabs his mobile from his pocket. Tapping his passcode in quickly, he rushes to open the application. Louis is not excited, no. This is wrong. He should not be doing this.

_Anna: hi_

Fuck.

_Harvey: Thank God you answered! Feeling pretty stressed right now :((_

_Anna: whassa matter ?_

_Harvey: My job._

_Anna: oh yeah working at a record store must be sooo overwhelming_

_Harvey: :( it is._

_Anna: boohoo_

_Harvey: Well, working as a waitress probably isn't any better, so. You think you could send me some pics of you in your uniform someday?_

_Anna: Harvey !_

_Harvey: I'm kidding! I mean that in the least suggestive way possible, of course._

_Anna: perv, i hate you_

_Harvey: Don't be that way! I could use some Anna hugs right now!!_

_Anna: my hugs are pretty amazing_

_Harvey: Niall's hugs usually do the trick but he's sick today, so not sure if that's the best option._

_Harvey: shit_

_Harvey: autocorrect_

_Harvey: I meant Niagara. um._

_Anna: what the hell ?? niagara_

_Harvey: Niagara_

_Harvey: falls.._

_Anna: ???????_

_Harvey: It's my friend's nick name._

_Anna: um... ok ???_

_Harvey: he really likes nature_

_Harvey: and stuff_

_Harvey: oh, would you look at the time, i've got to be goin now._

_Anna: okay H. later, i'll see u_

_Harvey: I love it when you talk improper grammar to me._

_Anna: ur a dork_

_Harvey: .xx_

And if Louis's smiling like an idiot again, sliding his phone back into his pocket like a satisfied twat, then maybe it's okay. Just maybe.

Harry's stupid attempt to cover up his slip hadn't made Louis's entire night, no, not at all. It's just that Harry is so _cute_ , even when he's being a fucking idiot. Louis can't help but find it endearing. He thinks he may be a bit biased as he stands up and brushes all signs of dirt and dust from his trousers, fixing his hair and trying to look somewhat disheveled. But it's Harry, so of course he's biased. Of course.

 _Maybe this is normal_ , he thinks, walking back in as casually as possible and returning to his seat to let Lou continue to make him look decent. Harry's still sat in the corner, chugging a bottle of water. They've got ten minutes until show time, things are running behind, but that's okay and that's normal and so is Louis. Right?

Yeah.

Of course.


	4. IM Athletic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea why it took me so long to post this on ao3. finished this story almost a year ago and ive had this account for months and months. but anyway, enjoy these chapters, i edited them and ill be posting a few of them today

So, it's kind of stupid, really, but Louis' trying to build up this Anna person to the best of his ability. He wants to use what little amount of information Harry knows to his advantage in order to avoid suspicion. He listened in English class, thank you very much, and he knows how to develop a character. Well, sort of. Improvisation is always fun.

Good God, he's screwed.

It's also been an entire week of constant IMing, and anyone has yet to figure out that something is not  _quite right_ with Anna. Louis feels kind of smug, so just to top it off he searches long and hard through the profile he had stolen photos from and finds one of the girl dressed in a uniform for work. It's not quite a waitress look, but it's close enough, so Louis sends it to Harry attached with a winky face.

He's in too deep.

He's just about halfway through a chapter of a book Harry raves about - something full of cheesy romance and mysterious murders, no doubt - when his phone buzzes and,  _yep, it's that time again._ He casually (with a very masculine squeal) throws the book across the room, snatching up the small device in his hands and reading Harry's newest message. He also has a few from some guy named Darrel, but he decides to ignore those.

_Harvey: u'll never guess what i did 2day!!_

_Anna: what did you do? did you go skydiving?_

_Harvey: nooo_

_Anna: canoeing?  
_

_Harvey: nope!_

_Anna: did you meet the queen?  
_

_Harvey: not today i didn't!_

_Anna: alright, i'm beat. tell me!_

_Harvey: i got a new kitten!_

_Anna: srsly????_

_Harvey: no_

_Anna: ...what_

_Harvey: lol, i got u sooo good! u were all like "omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

_Anna: actually all i said was seriously u shit_

_Anna: u that desperate for attention?_

_Harvey: im serious tho, i did something 2day. i got a new tattoo!_

_Anna: u have tattoos?_

_Harvey: oh yeah, tons._

_Anna: u just dont seem like the type..._

_Harvey: what's that supposed to mean?D:_

_Anna: well.. u work at a record store.. u play golf.. i can imagine u sipping margaritas by the pool, not getting tattoos._

_Harvey: I'm not a prude._

_Anna: are u a virgin?  
_

_Harvey: no!_

_Anna: how many girls have u had sex with then??_

_Harvey: i dont need to tell you that! D:_

_Anna: why, do you sleep around or summat_

_Harvey: NO. 3, okay?_

_Anna: only 3?? jfc_

_Harvey: :(_

_Anna: im kidding, im kidding. sorry H._

_Anna: im sorrrrrrrrry_

_Anna: forgive me pls pls pls?_

_Harvey: im not upset you witch_

_Harvey: only mildly irritated_

_Harvey: anyway, i got a new one._

_Anna: what is it of?_

_Harvey: a ying yang!_

_Anna:  a ying yang?_

_Anna: you mean a yin yang?_

_Harvey: whatever.  b/c there's good in bad and bad in good_

_Anna: deep_

_Harvey: balls deep_

_Anna: i have some tattoos too, u kno_

_Harvey: really? where? cant see any of them in ur pics_

_Anna: u know, i havent seen a pic of u._

_Harvey: oh, yeah, ik. but dont try to change the topic!!_

_Anna: fine.. they're sort of hidden?_

_Anna: like, yeah. they're small._

_Anna: but srsly, why can't i see a pic?? at least something, your hand or summat_

_Harvey: summat?_

_Anna: yeah.. what about it_

_Harvey: nothin, my best mate says that all the time tho. u just made me think of him when u said that._

_Anna: rlly? funny.._

_Harvey: small world. maybe you're from the same area. but you live in london now?_

_Anna: yeah, like big cities a lot more than small ones. all the people and business, it's cool. it's nice._

_Harvey: i get tired of all the people sometimes._

_Harvey: it's hard being exposed to so much of it all the time, you kno?_

_Harvey: like i never get a break from it, it's not like i can just take a holiday from it.. it follows me..._

_Anna: yeah._

_Anna: i can imagine. it's not the life for everyone._

_Harvey: wouldn't change a thing though._

_Anna: me either._

_Anna: anyway.. guess what I did today._

_Harvey: spent all day thinking about me??_

_Anna: omg, no. ew._

_Anna: I had a tennis match! well, against my mum._

_Anna: i won._

_Harvey: good job!_

_Anna: yeah, we played a set. it was funnn._

_Harvey: im sure it was._

_Anna: im more into football than tennis tbh though..._

_Harvey: well u should tell me about it then!_

Louis bites his lip. His extensive knowledge of football may or may not be normal for a common young woman to have obtained, so he decides to swerve away from the conversational topic, much to his dismay.

_Anna: idk... i mean i like to play and watch but i'm no expert_

_Harvey: i have a mate who loooves football. reckon you'd be better for him than me_

_Anna: ha... well, he's not here, is he? i made this to talk to people and i found u._

_Harvey: well im glad u did make it!_

_Anna: me too._


	5. IM Provocative

So, Louis isn't exactly proud of it, but he and Harry have sort of started to speak romantically. Like, it's not really  _romantic_ romantic, but, well. Fuck. It's pretty romantic.

He's never been this giddy and this guilty in his entire life. 

Harry goes on and on about Anna to the boys, Louis included, because he's oblivious and he's whipped. Louis often wonders if he would feel the same way if he found out Anna is actually Louis. Would Harry reconsider his heterosexuality? Maybe, Louis thinks, but he also wants to smack himself because he knows that Harry can't control his straight-ness just the same way Louis can't control his urge to have erotic daydreams about his best mate.

And if he drools, it's solely because of the sandwich he's currently eating, not because of Harry.

"And, Lou. She's  _so_ pretty. Got the brightest blue eyes, blonde hair... hell, she's even got freckles, Lou! Freckles!"

Louis makes a noise between a grunt and a laugh, and it kind of sounds like he's choking on his straw as he takes a sip of his iced tea. "Amazing."

"Wait, wait, I haven't even gotten to the best part yet - hey, are you even listening, Niall?"

"What?" Niall's head snaps up from where it had been bent as he not-so-subtly scrolled through Twitter on his mobile. "Yeah, 'course I was. Freckles."

"Right." Harry nods seriously, lips pressed into a tight line like they're discussing politics instead of Harry and Louis's online relationship. Not that Harry knows it's Louis, who is sitting directly next to him eating a sandwich, of course.  "She wants to see a picture of me, and I'm not sure what to do. What do you think I should do? Liam?"

"I think you should stop talking to people online," Liam says, and Louis both stiffens and smiles at the same time. Honestly, what the hell? "It's not safe, you could be talking to anyone behind that screen Harry. Especially being you, it's not a wise decision."

"Well, maybe I'm tired of making wise decisions all the time," Harry mutters lowly, stabbing at his salad a little too forcefully with his plastic fork. Louis is actually genuinely concerned that he might end up breaking the styrofoam container and spill lettuce and tomatoes everywhere, so he puts his own hand over Harry's to cease his movements. And his heart definitely does not flutter.

"I support you, Haz," he says, tone all smiles and  _'I'm on your side, see?'_. Harry smiles back, nodding sincerely like he definitely is grateful. He probably is. Harry is very concerned about what other people think of him - Louis realized this a long time ago. He only wants to see Harry smile, and if this Anna thing is the only thing that truly does it, so be it.

"Send her a real provocative picture, but not anything too revealing. Something that'll leave her satisfied but still wondering, ya' know?" Zayn says slowly, really putting emphasis on his words. And yeah, Louis likes that idea, he's liked it since 'provocative' slipped from Zayn's mouth. He can do provocative.

Harry seems confused and pained, "So, like. Send her pictures of my... you know-"

He pauses, eyes darting down to his crotch and then back up to Zayn. Louis has to stifle a laugh.

"Dick?" Zayn provides, and Harry nods, eyes widening at the word. Honestly, he's so adorable that Louis wants to puke. 

"No, no, not  _that_ provocative. You don't want to seem like a tool. Not yet. I'm sure you can save the saucy stuff for later - just, you know. Something that won't give away that it's you, but enough that she won't feel like it's not really showing you. Make sense?"

"Not at all," Harry sighs, running one of his hands down his face, "So you want me to send something that doesn't give me away but something that exposes me at the same time?"

"What our old pal Zayn is trying to say, Harry, is that you should send her a nip picture," Niall adds, eyes still locked on his screen. Harry turns beet red at the word.

"Why would I do that? It's weird, she's probably not going to like that-"

"It shouldn't be that hard. You've got four of them, after all. Maybe she's got some genetic mutation fetish, like, what if she has two vaginas? Maybe she has three tits-" 

"No, no, oh my God. No." Harry is on the verge of crying it seems, and Niall is laughing across the table, finally looking up from his phone. Louis smiles, not really sure how to respond. Liam looks uncomfortable and Zayn is smirking flatly, unlit cigarette tucked between his lips. 

Harry looks at him then, eyes all big and sparkly with his lower lip pushed under his front teeth. He's obviously making a silent plea for help, because Louis can easily keep up with Niall. Even after four years, Harry still turns to Louis, and if that makes him warm inside then it's just fine. "Ni, maybe you should get in on the fun. You can be in the background. Yes, I can see it already, just imagine this: Harry's leg, your pasty white ass in the background-"

"Hey," Niall frowns, and Harry smiles in satisfaction. Louis' blow was kind of weak because the way Harry is staring at him makes him want to combust several times, but, wow. Okay.

"I think it'd add a nice touch," Zayn agrees, "You could title it '50 Shades of Pale'."

"Actually, I don't think it's possible to have fifty whole shades of pale-" Liam begins. Zayn, however, quickly cuts him off again.

"Liam, be a doll and fetch me another cig, yeah?" he asks, smiling at Liam with that perfect smile of his that Louis sort of kind of envies a lot, and even though he's already got one lit and smoking Liam hops right up to get him another one.  _Damn Zayn_ , Louis thinks. 

"Just send her a picture of your eyes, H. The eyes are the window to the soul," Louis sort of blurts, but the look on Harry's face tells him that he doesn't need to be embarrassed. Louis only wishes he could tell Harry the same thing. 

Because, after all, it  _is_  just Louis on the other end. Not a beautiful girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a job as a waitress.

Just Louis.


	6. IM Curious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this marks the beginning of the end. like. of the story. after this i guess i threw all caution to the wind and drama starts happening left and right and i am so sorry

_Harvey: morning sweetcheeks :)_

_Anna: good morning H._

_Harvey: did you dream about me?  
_

_Anna: mmm yeah_

_Harvey: what was i doing?_

_Anna: u were holding my.._

_Anna: dog's leash. i was a millionaire and u were my slave._

_Harvey: D:_

_Anna: jk, u were there. but i dont wanna talk about what u were doing._

_Harvey: why not?_

Louis hates Harry for being so innocent. Really, he does. Maybe a quick lie about Harry being a fairy princess could save him, but he's already lying to the boy as is. Might as well be honest just this once; one less sin to confess to.

_Anna: fine.. u were a stripper._

_Harvey: what??_

_Harvey: why was i a stripper????_

_Anna: i dont know! it just sort of happened!_

_Harvey: you don't even know what i look like!!! i don't want to be a stripper!_

_Anna: too bad!_

_Harvey: :((((( meanie_

_Anna: did u just call me a meanie?_

_Harvey: yes. what are you going to do about it? >:)_

_Anna: fcs H are u 6 yrs old?_

_Harvey: no, I'm 20._

_Anna: old man._

_Harvey: you're only 19, shut up._

_Anna: why do you always use such precise punctuation in ur texts?_

_Harvey: huh?_

_Anna: you always use commas and shit_

_Harvey: what are you, the grammar police?  
_

_Anna: you did it again_

_Anna: and yes I am_

_Anna: wee woo wee woo_

_Harvey: you're cute :)_

_Harvey: and punctuation is really important! you should practice it at all times, it helps you improve. just like practicing a sport._

_Anna: okay, daddy_

_Anna: oh shIT_

_Anna: WAIT I DIDNT MEAN THAT. I MEANT LIKE DAD BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PARENT_

_Harvey: ;)_

_Anna: can we pls never speak of that???_

_Harvey: you know, there's no need to be ashamed of your kinks.._

_Anna: !!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Anna: stop it!_

_Harvey: you're the one who said it!_

_Anna: it slipped out!_

_Harvey: onto the keyboard??_

_Anna: I just!_

_Anna: ugh_

_Anna: I hate you Harvey :(_

_Harvey: that's Daddy to you_

_Anna: shut up_

_Anna: can we talk about something else now?_

_Harvey: like what?_

_Anna: like.. tell me about your friends. idk anything about them._

_Harvey: alright... tell me about yours too, yeah?_

_Anna: yeah._

_Harvey: well... i've got four other best mates. some other friends too but i don't see them much, i'm too busy most of the time with.. stuff. but anyway. my mates are really great. we hang out all the time, i trust them with my life. one of them especially. he's great. they're all great. craziest bunch you'd ever meet. love them to pieces. we're kind of perfect for each other, yeah? like, all five of us have another one who is like. their soul mate. in a friendly way._

_Anna: but there's an odd amount of people.._

_Harvey: the odd one out is always welcome in either circle :)_

_Anna: are you the odd one out?_

_Harvey: no, no. i have lou._

_Anna: lou?  
_

_Harvey: yeah.. Louis. Louis Vuitton._

_Anna: Louis Vuitton died over 100 years ago_

_Harvey: there's more than one Louis Vuitton._

Harry, Louis realizes, is terrible at lying. Especially on the spot. He should find it endearing, but really it's sort of hilarious. Not in a way that's Harry's favor either. Louis loves him so fucking much.

_Anna: okay.. so coincidentally you just happen to have a friend named Louis Vuitton?_

_Harvey: yeah_

_Harvey: my name is Harvey Staff, what did you expect?_

_Anna: alright... alright... my turn now?  
_

_Anna: I've got lots of friends. like u, i have one who im closer to than the rest though. my other friends i've moved away from so i dont get to see them often._

_Harvey: what's your best friend like?  
_

_Anna: wonderful. she's talented. smart... funny... she wears the silliest things. she stays up late with me when i need a good chat and she makes me tea in the mornings.. she knows how to make everyone happy and she always smiles even when she is sad.. she is insecure and she is a people pleaser but i love her anyway, everyone does. even the people who pretend not to are secretly charmed by her.. she's beautiful._

_Harvey: sounds like you really appreciate her._

_Anna: i do. she has no idea how much.._

_Anna: but she's off dating now, we dont talk as much. it's kinda hard._

_Harvey: it's okay... i'll be your best friend._

_Anna: we're kind of more than friends, H._

_Harvey: we are?? :)_

_  
_This is a really stupid decision. Louis should end this right now.

_Anna: yeah._

_Anna: i like u._

_Anna: a lot.._

_Harvey: i like you too._

_Harvey: so what does this mean?_

_Anna: idk.. why don't we try the whole 'more than friends' thing out, and u can be a proper romantic later and ask me out if it works_

_Harvey: why do i have to do the work?  
_

_Anna: because im your princess :)_

_Anna: shit_

_Anna: i did it again_

_Harvey: it's okay, hahaha, there will be plenty of time for that later._

_Anna; im not going to sext you, you freak._

_Harvey: i didn't want you to._

_Anna: yes you did._

_Harvey: nuh uh._

_Anna: I could sense you thinking it_

_Harvey: no... its online, anyone could find it. plus, we're not even together. it's like.. a budding romance of sorts :) already, it's only been two weeks.. can u believe it??_

_Anna: no, i really cant. time flies._

_Harvey: it really does._


	7. IM Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chokes up at the zouis

"How are you holding up, mate?" 

Louis sighs, eyeing the lit joint in Zayn's hand. He knows he shouldn't, knows Harry hates when he does it - but he feels pretty shitty and a nice high never killed anybody. That he knows of. "I'm peachy, Zayn, why would you think anything else?"

"I know you fancy Harry, Lou," he says calmly, even as Louis splutters and coughs. He's never told anyone how he feels about Harry but, okay. So, Zayn knows. No point in denying it either, he knows that Zayn won't buy it. 

"And he's got that Anna girl now," Zayn continues, "I know it must be hard on you. Don't you think Harry should be looking for a real relationship, not an online one? You can't honestly believe this is a good idea, Lou, I know what you're thinking."

"I think." Louis takes another drag, sighing in content, "I think he should do whatever makes him happy."

"Why haven't you ever told him the truth?" Zayn completely changes the subject, so Louis decides to let it go as he passes the blunt back over to Zayn. He thinks he's had enough, his head is spinning and he feels oddly at peace. His phone is buzzing in his pocket and it makes him think of Harry and his sinfully pink lips. 

His sinfully pink lips and his dark curls, how soft they feel when he threads his fingers through them, how good it would feel to be yanking on those same curls as Harry moaned out his name-

" _Louis,_ " Zayn prompts again, jabbing Louis' shoulder and effectively snapping him out of his dirty daydreams. It's a shame, really, because Harry is _so_  hot and Louis is so smitten. He wonders briefly if he could go to jail for what he's doing, then he realizes that he really doesn't care either.

"He's, he's straight Zayn. Like. He likes boobs," Louis explains, waving his arms around and making cups just under his chest, grabbing at the air to prove that there are in fact no boobs there, "I don't have any of those."

"C'mon, you don't know that he's straight. He could be bisexual. Or gay. Or a fucking cyclops. You never know." Zayn's head lolls against the sofa as he lets out a deep and long sigh before closing his eyes. Louis wishes he would leave so he could fantasize about Harry again but he thinks that maybe his obsession is starting to become the tiniest bit unhealthy.

"He's not."

"He's  _so_ submissive though," Zayn says, and Louis snorts because, yeah, that's kind of true. Okay, very true.

"That doesn't mean he's not straight. Fuck gender norms," Louis says. a little louder than necessary, peeking at the door to the corridor on the bus as he hears footsteps pass the room. God, how embarrassing would it be if Harry walked in right now and saw the pair lying around passing a joint and talking like a bunch of teenage girls?

"Yeah, well. Still think you should tell him. He might leave that girl for you."

"That won't be necessary. And besides, he's happy. I can't ruin that," Louis admits, softening a little bit and staring at his hands. He wishes he could confide in someone, but the only other people he could try are just as close to Harry as him. He doesn't trust any of them to react in a way that would be helpful. He knows that if the roles were reversed he would be mad at someone for playing a friend like he is, too.

"I think Harry loves you too, Lou, you're just too dense to see it," Zayn drawls and hope sparks in Louis' chest. What if Zayn is right? What if Harry does like Louis, what if he's just confused about what he feels? He can picture it now, the two of them cuddled up on a loveseat watching some moviefor the fifteenth time in two weeks, Harry's head on Louis's lap while Louis plays with his hair and makes comments about the characters as Harry just hums, smiling into his skin. He can imagine the two of them arguing over the last piece of pizza before eventually deciding to split it in half, giggling like fools when one of them spills pizza sauce on their shirt. He can imagine their legs intertwined at night, Harry's large hands wrapped around Louis' waist while Louis' own arms are wrapped around Harry's neck, holding his head to his chest as he kisses his hair goodnight - but Harry wouldn't know because he would already be asleep, safe in Louis' arms as he sat back and wondered how the fuck he had gotten so lucky.

Unfortunately for Louis, none of this is a reality. Now, he kind of just feels really depressed. He wonders if there's ice cream somewhere that he can cry over.

"Harry and I have been friends for over four years, mate. I think he would have told me by now if he loved me," Louis says sadly, coming down from his very weak and brief high and closing his eyes. "And besides, he's got a girl now. He's proper whipped, let me tell you. I'm not going to interfere with that. I'm not going to make things awkward between us, especially not now. Not while we're stuck on this tour bus, not while he's in a new relationship. That's a dick move."

"But, you are kind of a dick already," Zayn comments. Louis lets out a loud laugh at that, covering his face with his hands. 

"I know."


	8. IM Desperate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe how short these chapters are... like im afraid to add too much to them because i dont want to fuck with the plot or how things happen but theyre like 1000 words or so and the chapters i write now for my fics are usually 5k or more like wtf past emily

"Please?" Louis is literally begging now, as much as he hates to admit it. Eleanor sighs on the other end.

"I don't want to do this, Louis. It's wrong."

"Come on," he whines, staring up at his ceiling pitifully, "I'm desperate, El. You're the only one I trust enough to share this with and he really wants this, I've already agreed to it. Also, he won't recognize your number 'cause he doesn't have it and I sort of already gave it to him, so. Besides, you owe me one for that bag that I gave you."

"That was a gift! You don't owe someone something because they gave you a gift on your birthday!"

 _Damn Eleanor_. Louis kind of really needs a female voice to pretend to be Anna for him ever since Harry suggested a phone call between the two of them and Louis had agreed as to not raise suspicion in Harry. He's an idiot, he knows, but he's got about thirty minutes until Harry is done with his shower and picks up his mobile to make the infamous call. To Eleanor's phone, of course, so even if she doesn't come over she still has to deal with that. Louis would feel bad if he wasn't so anxious.

He's kind of freaking out.

The group is currently stopped in a hotel - conveniently located in London, bless them - and Louis knows Eleanor is a short ten minute drive away, so really, he doesn't see the issue. She's gone on about the press, how they'll react to her driving to his hotel at eleven in the evening- Louis shuts her up with an eyeroll and a snort, even though the two of them have been 'split' for six months now. They are and always have been friends. Louis can be very convincing when he needs to be, and right now he kind of really fucking needs it.

Eleanor, though, is not so keen on the idea of  _'screwing Harry over'_ , as she so bluntly puts it. Louis protests that  _it isn't that_  - though it is, admittedly, a rather just a twisted way of showing Harry how he felt. Eleanor scoffs; Louis curses her out. 

" _Please_ El. It will ruin everything if you don't do this! Harry will be devastated. Just. Do this for me, alright? I promise I won't let this go on for much longer, I just need this right now. Do it for Harry if not for me. He's so completely oblivious. He won't even suspect. Please. I don't know what I'll do if you don't help me." Louis puts on his I'm-really-sad-about-this-and-you're-the-only-thing-that-can-help voice, he knows she can't say no to that. He bites his lip as he breaths through the silence that is on the other end.

After a few seconds, Eleanor takes a deep breath. "Fine. But, not for you, you asshole. For Harry. You're a real prick, doing this to your best friend, you know that? If Harry finds out- no,  _when_ Harry finds out, I want no part in this. He's going to be so pissed at you Louis, he's going to be so-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but he's never gonna find out, El. You won't tell him." Louis doesn't even say it as a question. It's just a statement. He knows she won't tell. She better not, at least. Louis might brutally murder her if she does. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Whatever, I'll be there as soon as I can," she breathes, and before Louis can bark at her to hurry up she's already ended the call. 

He flops back on his bed, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily. His eyes slip closed somewhere along the way, and he lets himself drift into a fitful nap until Eleanor shows up about fifteen minutes later, making great time for London traffic, pounding on his door like a damn police officer. He lets her in, ignores her sour expression, and leads her over to the window seat. 

"What am I even supposed to say?" she asks just as Louis begins to sweat nervously due to the possibility of her phone ringing at any second.

"Whatever you think I would say."

"You're a dick. I don't want to sound like a dick," Eleanor says, crossing her legs and looking at Louis expectantly. He makes a face at her, pushing at her foot when it brushes against his knee.

"Then just talk normally. But don't sound too much like yourself. You might want to talk a little higher or lower than usual; not so much that you sound unnatural, though. Slow down your words a little bit. Laugh a lot," Louis begins, but she cuts him off with a slap to his shoulder.

"You just told me to talk normally and then listed a bunch of things that I do not do when I talk normally," she complains, and just as Louis opens his mouth to retaliate, the phone rings.

Both pairs of eyes immediately fall to the screen, which is lit up with a picture of Harry smiling stupidly. The contact name blinks  _Harry_ urgently, and Louis makes a mental note to ask why Eleanor has Harry's phone number saved later. Eleanor looks back up at Louis before her thumb quickly presses down on the bright green 'accept' button.

And Louis stops breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me and we can chat about how much drama i put in my fics for no reason or maybe about something nicer  
> tumblr: harryandlouistbfh.tumblr.com  
> wattpad: www.wattpad.com/amourlouis


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